Fuck this.
That’s it. There’s your summary. Don’t expect this to be a long one because as much as I’d love the opportunity to tear this lifelessly hollow shit shell to pieces, its mere existence practically does all of the work for me on every conceivable level.
There’s more substance to the history of getting this film featured here than there is to the movie itself. “Leprechaun Origins,” billed as a prequel to the cult classic 90s horror comedy starring the charisma oozing Warwick Davis, is about 6 months old and the only reason it took me this long to even look at the damn thing is because upon initial glance, I wasn’t even convinced that it was actually a “Leprechaun” film.
What genius came up with the bright idea to cut out Warwick Davis, the only factor that made any of those films the slightest bit enjoyable? It’s a fuck up no matter how you slice it. Whichever executive cut him out needs to face public display of corporal discipline “Starship Troopers” style. The idea of reinventing a character through a new cast isn’t bad but it’s sure as hell not good when said actor was the only thing the franchise had going for it. This would be like replacing Dave Chappelle on Chappelle’s Show… oh wait.
Of course if Warwick Davis refused to come back, however unlikely that may be given his attachment to the character and his cult following, you really have to wonder what could have possibly been so bad that he was scared away after going to “the Hood,” to “Space” and “Back to the Hood.”
Putting aside the fundamental misstep of the film from preproduction however, my increasing need for a “0 Shatner” graphic that I currently lack has forced me to put several 0 scoring films on the backburner, this one initially included, despite being a ripe Saint Patrick’s Day viewing. Until now.
I realize many of you are taking in the venom of every word that I have typed thus far so in an effort to discourage any of you from sating your curiosity, go watch “Cabin in the Woods,” strip it of all of the humor, irony, and metafictional commentary, and then imagine you’re watching it as filmed by the production crew of “The Blaire Witch Project” on half of the budget for a torturously dry and irritating 90 minutes lacking in any sort of emotional investment beyond the powerful desire to see the end credits roll.
“Leprechaun Origins” makes the inexcusably stupid decision to play itself out like a traditional horror film. That means, darkness, close up shots, more poorly shot acts of violence, but worst of all, turning the Leprechaun, into a stupid, grotesque, non-humanoid monster incapable of speech. This is the cinematic equivalent of sewing Freddy Crugers mouth shut and only allowing him to conjure a small detail lacking dark space before he shoots you in the head with a gun very slowly.
This movie is critically boring and unworthy of viewing on any conceivable level. It’s so bad, it can’t even succeed in being so bad that it’s good. Upon reaching the concensus that it wasn’t even worth half of a Shatner, I was almost ready to just forget that it exists. This is the first film in Fromage history, across 4½ years of viewing that I shut off half way through and only returned about 4 days later at the insistence that I refused to be beaten.
Forget about Bottom Lines and final summaries of any sort. “Leprechaun Origins” doesn’t deserve the standard treatment. Everything about it is disgustingly wasteful and it was only very nearly spared from my wrath on a technicality. Well guess what Lions Gate assholes? I may be lacking a 0 Shatner graphic, but I have something that should work just perfectly in its place. Hope you’re honored, because it’s only been busted out proper on 1 movie in this columns entire history both online and off.
Now kiss my ass! I’m off to go watch “Leprechaun in Space.” And if you actually want to see a great example of an old corny horror franchise revisited, go watch "Curse of Chucky." It'll cost you about the same amount of money and it'll be way more entertaining.
1 Nega Shatner
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