Friday, February 27, 2015

Crapshoot 2015: Sexy Monsters



Sexy Dracula vs. Sexy Frankenstein. No matter who wins, neither come out on top.



Based on the untold story of Dracula that somebody at Universal just made up, “Dracula Untold” is about Luke Evans as Vlad Tepes, the lord that would become Dracula, who must fend off invaders in a 1½ hours long video game cutscene that tactically strikes every played out superhero trope of the last decade.

Tragic background setting the handsome protagonist apart from the rest of the world? Check. Dropping the luxuries of their present life in favor of using their newfound gifts to pursue a new agenda? Check. Somehow maintaining a “secret identity” when all is said and done? Somehow and unbelievably, check.

There’s style over substance, and then there’s “Dracula Untold.” I understand that not all action movies are necessarily trying to be “John Wick” but the waste of talent in this movie is like buying $30 worth of gas for a trip to the corner store within a 20 minute walking distance. Evans gives a solid performance, though nothing particularly noteworthy as the film wastes little time throwing him into the fray and exploring his newfound vampiric capabilities granted to him by a mysterious ancient vampire played by Tywin Lannister on “Game of Thrones” in unrecognizable ghoul makeup.

The more powerful he becomes the less interesting that he becomes and the sillier attempts to combat him become.

While a weakness to silver may be something of a classical vampire weakness but there’s just something inherently silly about watching a virtual god among men succumb to pocket change lying on the ground like kryptonite and his fellow cast members fare no better. Watching Dominic Cooper phone his way through a throwaway role that is clearly below his pay grade as Mehmed the Conqueror can be draining sometimes and Charles Dance is wasted in a role that I can only assume is designed to introduce a mythology arc for potential sequels.

That’s not even to say that it’s all bad, just really hollow. So what is worthwhile about “Dracula Untold?” At least it’s kind of fun to watch.

Lacking in substance aside, the film isn't particularly terrible as a popcorn matinee flick that passes the time. None of the action sequences are particularly fresh but for what they are, they’re well shot, decently choreographed and fun to watch. If anything, its emotional coldness and calculated pacing that has more in common with a mediocre television series pilot than a big screen picture, is probably better suited for home media than a theater experience.

“Dracula Untold” is like a lesser version of “Underworld;” stylish action and atmosphere are the emphasis over strong storytelling. While “Dracula Untold” is far thinner however, there’s nothing to really detest about it outside of a general misunderstanding of the Dracula concept that can be chocked up more to reinterpretation than adaptation decay.

On the other side of the coin however…



Aaron Eckhart plays a Frankenstein Monster whose character is defined by his abs, caught in the middle of a war between gargoyles and demons for control of mankind. In other words, nothing relating to “Frankenstein” whatsoever.

If “Dracula Untold” is the bumbling but well meaning competent worker that puts the work in to skate by, “I, Frankenstein” is the pretentious slacker whose work, what little ultimately gets done is nowhere near as impressive as they seem to think it is. I strive to summarize most films to provide context but “I, Frankenstein” is nigh plotless. Its style of filmmaking is thin on any form of significant meaning; I get that and don’t hold its nonsensical events of the Frankenstein Monster’s recruitment by the gargoyles to fight demons over human souls against it. I don’t even hold Eckhart’s dead expressions and Bill Nighy’s embarrassing performance against the film, grating as they are. What I do hold against the movie is that it isn’t even remotely cool.

The world is oversaturated with CGI and a stylistic cinematography evocative of comic book panels, clearly meant to lend itself to the action. However the choppy fights regularly shuffle between poorly shot, poorly paced or just unimaginably choreographed to begin with.

Not even the visual effects are really worth seeing in action. Most of them are standard fare for Hollywood but even then, consistency goes out the window as the gargoyle effects are more often than not, terrible. Sometimes they look worse than CGI cartoons on television.

"I, Frankenstein" is the high end of everything that most of the worst films of 2014 have to offer. After 10 minutes, you know there’s no reason to continue watching, yet they continue to subject you to an agonizingly long length that they utterly fail to fill out.

The only things saving it from my unbridled wrath is that it was inoffensive and a box office disappointment. Sadly, it was also the last of 2014’s awfulness in cinema to not test my sanity.

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