Crapshoot 2015: Celebrating the Worst of the Year in Cinema (Dishonorable Mentions)

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You can't take the good without the bad.

2015 is in full swing, Oscar nominees are receiving their second wind in theatrical run opportunity and Hollywood’s dumping ground quarter for hit or miss films has America looking back on the best movies from last year that may have slipped their notice.

Even I spent most of the previous month looking back on 2014’s cream of the cinematic crop in celebration of what was mostly a pretty sold year for film.

However, as with all things in life, we can only appreciate the good because of the existence of the bad. 2014 is no exception to the rule.

Doing worst of the year lists would require putting up the pretense of having actually seen more than a handful of bad movies. Rather than put up this pretense, I’d rather have an examination of the areas of the box office battlefield that I missed rather than blindly fire at competent movie making that just happens to be the less passable than what I’ve already run through.

And that is what Crapshoot 2015 is for.

Before poking my head into the subjects proper however, I feel it necessary to run through a few samples of cinema that I despise from this year that I have come across already. While some of these movies aren’t quite worth the full on discussion that other subjects will be granted, I’ll be damned if I let any of them off the hook.

Transformers Age of Extinction

Has a 2 month time period improved my opinion of Michael Bay’s commercial indulgence that aggravated me so intensely it inspired me to write an editorial of it on the fly within 12 hours of initial viewing?

Hell no. If anything, upon reflecting the inability of its commercial performance to slow down thanks to a non-discerning public, I hate it and its contributions to the lower standards of Hollywood filmmaking even more now than ever.

It’s spared from Crapshoot by sheer virtue of having already been in my cross hairs for a published thrashing, the fact that I’d rather repress its existence from my memory than recall enough facts about it to generate another discussion on and that between the aforementioned reasons and its own status as a joke on good taste in Hollywood in the eyes of anybody using an iota of thought when taking in storytelling of any sort, I don’t even want to contribute, as minor as it would be, to giving it free publicity.

Vampire Academy

Similarly to “Transformers 4,” “Vampire Academy” misses a day of focus in this little series by due to my previous deconstruction of it in Young and Stupid some 3 months or so back.

That doesn't mean that its god-awful nature doesn't bear mentioning. With horrendously wooden performances, laughably bad special effects and a screenplay that makes MTV and CW programming look like Aaron Sorkin treatments by comparison, the only thing that prevents me from getting angry at it is the fact that its enormous financial flopping despite a minuscule budget and absolute failure to secure funding for a sequel through crowd funding provides further proof that the female Young Adult audience is not the brainless and tasteless sheep that the media makes them out to be and that Hollywood seems to try and take them for.

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

Dear god I wish. Reading even half of the insanity that of this pseudo-documentary has left me hunting it down to no end.

Alas, even theater chains and distributors knew that this manifestation of Cameron’s ignorance and fallen career was best buried and thusly, I haven’t seen it. There’s no doubt that it deserves mentioning but until a home media release comes together, it just misses my scrutiny.

  

The Dangers of the Middle of the Road

Otherwise known as movies that may not be the worst of the year but that I hate more some of the films that did make Crapshoot’s cut. While certain saving graces keep them away from being widely reviled, they nevertheless push trends that I prey die before taking off.

While I've beaten this dead horse long into the ground, just once more should lay it to rest for good.

With the mountains of information revealed during the Sony Hack of December 2014, it becomes even more apparent that Sony’s executives have no idea what they’re doing with this franchise anymore. The idea of a feature length Aunt May prequel movie is so ridiculous that even a parody of Hollywood movie producing would consider it an overkill joke and all of the problems that could be the cinematic death of Spider-Man stem from this train wreck.

Ambitions in storytelling leading to a lack of focus in plot is one thing but “The Amazing Spider-Man 2’s” insistence on sacrificing an actual story to tell in the name of setting up villain spin-offs for one note thin characters that didn't even have an impressive coming out to begin with is an ill-conceived and disgustingly cynical ploy for attention that is made even more insulting by the genuine talent involved in the film’s production that could have set up the best Spider-Man film yet if they were simply allowed to make a movie instead of a 2 hour commercial for movies nobody is asking for.

With all respect due to its brilliant marketing, “Divergent’s” soulless retread of tired and worn YA novel tropes just don’t do justice to the brilliance of its acting cast.

It may not be as actively bad as some of its peers or as offensive as certain subjects within Crapshoot or any of its “honorable” mentions, it’s still a film that doesn't try very hard and receives more success than it’s worth. While the movie itself isn't particularly terrible, its laziness does have the unfortunate effect of watering down its genre and making the efforts of future franchise’s more difficult.

The Faith based film movement has gotten traction but has unfortunately turned out more trash than quality this year. Several have earned recognition for offensive stances of cultural xenophobia based on straw man arguments while others have become infamous for just being downright poorly made filmmaking.

“Heaven is For Real” stands leagues above its peers, avoiding xenophobic undertones in favor of a feel good movie but there’s just something about the manipulative nature of the story in question that really makes me cringe.

I respect varying individual views of faith but this movie’s desire to make what is practically a non-story based on such little solid evidence it would have easily been blown off had it come from a source of any other religion into a nearly plotless, manipulative and extremely heavy handed product designed to preach to its own choir under the pretense of a feel good movie just doesn't sit right with me.

Even for its audience however, I just can’t help but feel that there are better feel good movies out there that use religion as a driving force.