2017 was a year of ups and downs but I’ll definitely give its downs credit where they’re due; the cynical did not go without its just deserts, the memorably bad was too baffling to get truly angry at, and nothing has come close to inflicting the level of damage that 2016’s terrible offerings had.
As all good things must come to an end however, so must all
bad things reach their inevitable conclusion.
So, before closing the door on 2017 once and for all, let’s
take one final look at the top of the bottom of the pile of the previous year’s
cinematic atrocities.
Baywatch and CHiPs
Proof positive that we don’t deserve nice things, the trend
of quirky humored R-rated theatrical reboots of bad television has come
crashing to a close with a film that had no good material and a film too inept
to take advantage of the material that it had access to.
“CHiPS” was basically a non-movie but a studio that manages
to screw up a comedy starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson based on a television
show that featured a lifeguard David Hasselhoff fighting aliens, ghost Vikings,
and demons on the nighttime board walk needs to desperately hang its head in
shame.
Underworld
The “Underworld” franchise has a very low threshold for
success. Vampires, Werewolves, carnage, rinse and repeat.
“Blood Wars” can’t even get the bare minimum right, using
editing techniques that would be laughed off of SYFY Channel original movies
and werewolf effects that are worse than direct to video werewolf movies of the
modern day. Leave what’s left of this franchise to burn in the sun.
Geostorm
It’s an expensive lightshow with an ugly routine and little
spectacle. I’d say more but frankly I think Warner Bros. vain salvage efforts
to salvage this turkey add up to far more time spent on it than it deserves.
Fifty Shades Darker
While I don’t know if I’ll ever do a traditional worst of
the year list, I can says without hesitation that “Fifty Shades Darker” rules
the roost of 2017 worst. The terrible filmmaking at play would be bad enough
but the misrepresentation of erotica and BDSM culture on display finally
crosses the line from pathetically ineffective to outright offensive.
I hold no judgment on the sexual fantasies of those desiring
healthy and completely legal pleasure but when real porn can do everything this
does in a more cohesive manner and is offered for free, that just can’t be
allowed to fly.
I only take solace in knowing that, like 2017 itself, this
series is, as of mid-February, finally over.
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