Friday, March 2, 2018

Crapshoot 2018: Absolute Best of the Absolute Worst (Finale Part 2)



2017 was a year of ups and downs but I’ll definitely give its downs credit where they’re due; the cynical did not go without its just deserts, the memorably bad was too baffling to get truly angry at, and nothing has come close to inflicting the level of damage that 2016’s terrible offerings had.



As all good things must come to an end however, so must all bad things reach their inevitable conclusion.

So, before closing the door on 2017 once and for all, let’s take one final look at the top of the bottom of the pile of the previous year’s cinematic atrocities.


Baywatch and CHiPs



Proof positive that we don’t deserve nice things, the trend of quirky humored R-rated theatrical reboots of bad television has come crashing to a close with a film that had no good material and a film too inept to take advantage of the material that it had access to.

“CHiPS” was basically a non-movie but a studio that manages to screw up a comedy starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson based on a television show that featured a lifeguard David Hasselhoff fighting aliens, ghost Vikings, and demons on the nighttime board walk needs to desperately hang its head in shame.  


Underworld


The “Underworld” franchise has a very low threshold for success. Vampires, Werewolves, carnage, rinse and repeat.

“Blood Wars” can’t even get the bare minimum right, using editing techniques that would be laughed off of SYFY Channel original movies and werewolf effects that are worse than direct to video werewolf movies of the modern day. Leave what’s left of this franchise to burn in the sun.

Geostorm


It’s an expensive lightshow with an ugly routine and little spectacle. I’d say more but frankly I think Warner Bros. vain salvage efforts to salvage this turkey add up to far more time spent on it than it deserves.


Fifty Shades Darker


While I don’t know if I’ll ever do a traditional worst of the year list, I can says without hesitation that “Fifty Shades Darker” rules the roost of 2017 worst. The terrible filmmaking at play would be bad enough but the misrepresentation of erotica and BDSM culture on display finally crosses the line from pathetically ineffective to outright offensive.

I hold no judgment on the sexual fantasies of those desiring healthy and completely legal pleasure but when real porn can do everything this does in a more cohesive manner and is offered for free, that just can’t be allowed to fly.

I only take solace in knowing that, like 2017 itself, this series is, as of mid-February, finally over.

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