In these times of hardship, we can all use a great holy man.
Where Hollywood can't be there to help us take our minds off of the pain of our times, the Shatner heads shall rise to meet the challenge and what better place to start then with the origin story of were-dinosaur holy man on a crusade against a Chinese ninja conspiracy his hooker sidekick?
Writer and director Brendan Steere weaves the tale of Doug Jones, a pastor that finds himself at a crisis of faith after the death of his parents due to the inexplicable explosion of their car.
After doing some soul searching on a walkabout that takes him to China, for some reason, he finds himself cursed by an ancient artifact that turns him into a dinosaur in the presence of danger and what he perceives to be evil.
His new curse leads him to cross paths with Carol, the hooker version of that stripper you occasionally come across that says she's doing it for the money to pay her way through college. Only, she actually did get through college with that money, only to find herself overqualified for anything else, staying in the sleazy prostitution ring that she's been employed in until opportunity presents itself, as Doug saves her from an assault and she dedicates to using her intelligence to help and guide him towards turning his curse into a gift that can defend the defenseless.
"The Velocipastor" wastes no time setting up a lot of factors that, in true modern B-movie fashion for films of its ilk, don't quite amount to much in terms of logic.
Doug's sabbatical that takes him to a China that looks more like my neighbor's woodland back yard from my semi-rural childhood neighborhood on Long Island and the conspiracy he comes to face to face with is heralded by Christian, Chinese, drug peddling ninjas, which, which, despite a cavalcade of last minute story twists that hammer in a laughable point on the potential for cult mentality amongst organized religion, is about as much of an inexplicable oxymoron as it sounds.
Also, notice my hesitation to not refer to its title character as a "raptor." Get any 3 second look at the costume they utilize and you'll see why immediately, as even by the standards of Hollywood bullshit science, the "paleontology" of this flick just doesn't even try.
Where lesser films, such as the works of schlock production house The Asylum, falter in taking this all far too seriously with much too little effort, the shining grace of "The Velocipastor" becomes evident the second it starts playing.
"The Velocipastor" is a comedy and a self-aware and damn funny one at that.
It's tongue is planted firmly in its cheek and while the gags strung together never quite hug a genre or set of tropes tightly enough to qualify as lampooning a particular genre, the weird comic book, crime thriller, B-horror, Saturday morning cartoon vibe of the movie chugs it along at a brisk pace that doesn't waste a single second, highlighting the energy of the production, the overall effectiveness of the punchlines, and the surprisingly solid performances of a cast that may be worthy of better things but do their damndest with what they're working with.
Gregory James Cohan plays a real character; awkward, grieving, confused, and motivated but an absurd parody of the reluctant superhero protagonist nonetheless and he shares a real chemistry with Alyssa Kempinski as Carol who almost comes across as a joke character that accidentally became compelling through tweaking a one note joke through to its most logical extreme.
"The Velocipastor" is funny, irreverent, wonderfully paced and quite possibly hindered only by looking just a bit too modern for its own good, as film grain and a misplaced in-frame boom mic or 2 could have very well made this a spiritual successor to a "Troma" production.
As such, its comedic sensibilities might not be a hit with everyone but at worst, it will leave you with a smile on your face somewhere and it moves so fast that you can't even be angry at it if you don't find it funny.
4 out of 4 Shatners
Bottom Line: "The Velocipastor" is a rare reminder of why "Fromage Fridays" was even conceived and a high benchmark that future subjects will have to live up to.
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