Crapshoot 2017: Acknowledging Achievement in Cinematic Awfulness

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Cinema wasn’t the worst thing to happen to the world last year but it was a calamity nevertheless.

Sequels nobody asked for, franchises past what prime they may have had, lazy kids entertainment destined to breed those that will grow up to relish in the painfully unfunny comedies that go on to rake in millions, etc.

Celebrating the best of 2016 has certainly provided certain levity to looking back on its cinematic output but that’s still not going to change how much of a cesspool that it was in general.

As always, where film fails, Crapshoot will be there to tackle the most high profile misfires of the year that slipped the radar of review.

The hits of that radar that, along with a few other exemptions include:

Nine Lives

Had I not already paid to go watch this in a theater on a Saturday morning, the only thing that would have kept this out of my crosshairs is how unapologetic the film is about what a piece of shit it is.

If we found out tomorrow that it was intentionally made as a satire of bad 90s family comedies with 5 minutes of trope lampshading material gutted for marketing purposes by executives that thought it could get money from audiences seeking viewings that aren’t ironic, not only would I believe it but it would make more sense than the actual plot of the film.

Franchise killers

From video games to toys to comic books and even original cinematic creations, 2016 is where many franchises both living and in hibernation went to die.

If we’re lucky, maybe Hollywood will actually come up with something new the more we watch the old guard fail to yield the paydays they seek.

The Graves of the Young Adult trend

I could dedicate an entire project to the misfires of “The 5^th Wave” and the gloriously messy downfall of the brief reign of the “Divergent” series… and to some extent, I intend to.

Related to the upcoming project announcement I will be making soon, I intend to give these films a bit of a closer eye and what it means for the trend that they’re associated with.

DCEU

To say that there is little that I can add to the discussions of the nigh farcical mismanagement of the DC Universes cinematic representation would be a bit of a two-fold lie; I have almost nothing to add and in fact have no interest in adding anything more.

Warner Bros.’ garbage fire of a cash cow franchise is chugging forward despite mounting negative criticism and a heap of systematic flaws built into the functioning of the studio coming to the surface.

The only thing that keeps this knowledge from flat out depressing me is knowing that they’re losing the shield of financial invulnerability; While “Suicide Squad” benefitted from a brilliant marketing campaign that capitalized on a perfect dumping ground release date with minimal competition despite being one of the worst edited major releases of the year, Zack Snyder’s nonsensical and dramatically inert clusterfuck managed to underperform to the tune of tens of millions despite being one of the highest grossing movies of the year.

Amidst the production nightmares surrounding the numerous planned spinoffs struggling to get past the scripting stage, Warner Bros. is bleeding good will and will quite possible be reliant on strong critical and commercial performances for “Wonder Woman” and “Justice League” to justify this experiment's continuation.

If those don’t land, then between the stronger competition mustered by the “Marvel Cinematic Universe” and even the “X-Men” film franchise, coupled with the critical and financial turmoil of the studio, along with the realization of the publishers themselves that chasing the lifeless, self-serious pretentions of a genre built on people dressed in primary colors fighting monsters with English nicknames was so stupid that they relaunched their comics to chase the polar opposite of everything that they’ve been doing for almost 5 years to critical acclaim from veteran fans and newbees alike and the most financial success that they’ve yielded from the market in almost 2 decades, things ain’t looking much brighter.

The DCEU approach to its material had gone the way of the dodo by the time of its release. This is really its final year to pull itself together before the real damage start to take hold and it’s with films predominantly produced under the same regime that put it in a death spiral to begin with.

If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll just return to reading my DC Rebirth comics. They'll keep my mind off of the horrors I'll soon encounter in the coming weeks.