Kevin Spacey is a Disney Dad in a non Disney movie to teach a Disney lesson about spending more time with his family. Christopher Walken turns him into his daughter’s new pet cat to do so. “Hilarity” ensues thereafter.
If that sounds lazy effort to describe a movie so simple that it could have been written by an 8 year old, you should watch the actual film’s utter lack of any form of effort whatsoever somehow managing to create a singularity of Hollywood executive apathy so powerful and intense that it almost comes full circle into feeling like they actively tried to conceive of the most tired, generic, and worn to the bone family film premise that they could play entirely straight faced with the best talent that they can afford to waste.
There’s no need, desire, or call to beat around the bush here; yes, “Nine Lives” is terrible but if you bothered to seek out somebody that actually wrote about this, there’s a 90% chance that you already knew that.
Hell, if you merely watched the trailer, you probably would have surmised that if you somehow managed to figure out that the trailer wasn’st some sort of elaborate gag/hoax perpetrated by Saturday Night Live.
Had its status as a legitimate movie not been brought to my attention immediately preceding the reveal of said trailer in a similar sentiment of disbelief, even I would have thought it was joke. There’s no way that trailer was put together with anybody not intent of essentially stopping just shy of staring all watchers in the face and daring them to come see this movie.
Furthermore, while coming to terms with this thing being real has left me questioning the reality that I live in to the point of damn near seeking therapy, I’m not unconvinced that this wasn’t some sort of potentially moneymaking joke coordinated by movie producers that wanted to make money on a product but didn’t feel like actually making something that people wanted to see, opting instead to simply create something so mindboggling that it simply had to be seen in order to be believed.
Sure, by virtue of the themes of what they were marketing, they had to make a kids movie that was mostly appropriate for a 7 year old sensibility but even keeping that and its PG rating in mind, I wouldn’t have even flinched if “Nine Lives” opened up with Kevin Spacey staring at the audiences for a good ten seconds before gradually breaking into a maniacal cackle and asking “You’re really fucking watching this? What is wrong with you?”
This isn’t written as a judgment of the movie itself so much as a mere affirmation that it somehow exists. Watching “Nine Lives” as a fan of film is like performing an impromptu zoological observation of an animal thought to be extinct for millennia a mere 20 minutes ago.
The kid comedy sub genre of “movie star parent becoming a pet through unexplained magic” was endangered twenty years ago and leaving life support for the grave 10 years ago. One would think it would be coming back with some sort of self awareness or intention of self parody but indeed, this garbage fire of a flick is totally sincere in its insincerity.
All of the hallmarks are there, present and accounted for. Horrendously CGI cat utilized to do impossible actions that the world never questions? Check. Grotesque amounts of alcohol ingestion and sexual innuendos that would feel out of place in PG-13 films let alone a family picture? Check. Toilet Humor? A list of checks in and of itself along with the hilariously bad and gratuitous green screen shots serving as a perfect icing on the cake.
As if that weren’t enough though, some of the actors seemed to have been unaware of the memo as to what movie they were starring in. Spacey has a few moments in the first 10 minutes of the film that wouldn’t be out of place on an episode of “House of Cards” and Robbie Amell looks like he’s occasionally trying out so hard for an HBO drama I forgot that the biggest role that he has to his name was a supporting cast member on a single season of “The Flash.”
It’s awkwardly edited, terribly paced, and by the arrival of its abrupt ending, clocking the film in at well under an hour and a half, it feels like things still could have been trimmed by 30 minutes.
“Nine Lives’” lone saving grace is that it is ultimately not an infuriating movie to sit through as utterly lacking in quality as every minute of it may be. Every once in a while, a slight chuckle can be generated by wondering what was going through Christopher Walken’s head as most of his screen time is comprised of holding a one-sided conversation with a disinterested looking cat but the true fascination with this film lies in contemplating that it even exists more than what it does right and wrong.
The rabbit hole that question can lead one down has made this movie’s existence more entertaining than half of the film’s that I’ve watched this summer despite having a level of quality that wouldn’t reach an eighth of the films that I typically screen for my direct to video B-movie review series.
As for whether that makes the film itself worthwhile, folks of the ironic viewing circuit may want to look into it for all 3 weeks it will probably be in theaters. Personally, I probably would have been better off putting the $6 spent on my ticket towards catnip to give my best friends cat and seeing what unfolds from there.
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