Fromage Fridays #29: Kite

Evidence that Sam Jackson’s presence can’t improve everything

Based on the hentai of the same name, “Kite,” featuring a child assassin’s quest for vengeance against her parent’s murderers, the film was set to be directed by “Snakes on a Plane” director, David Ellis before his untimely and unfortunate death. His presence is missed because the one thing that he would have undoubtedly brought to this movie is some semblance of fun.

India Eisley portrays Sawa, who is trained by Karl (Jackson) to hunt down the killers of her parents by employing tactics of vigilantism in a crusade against organized crime.

The controversial history of “Kite” is impossible to get around when discussing it but for brevity’s sake, I’ll just say that once stripped of its more… disgusting elements, there’s more than enough material to provide for a trashy fun action movie. This version of “Kite” gets neither trash nor fun right.

For what little Eisley did, the filmmakers could have easily replaced her with an animatronic blow up doll. If this is called acting than my ability to make a turkey sandwich qualifies me for head chef position.

Not that she is to blame for such a nonexistent performance. Even Sam Jackson looks like he’s just aimlessly zoning in out until the camera cuts off.

There’s no one person to blame on this one. “Kite” is just flat out boring; a classic example of by the numbers film industry craftsman ship at its finest. The right contracts, capitol, and property rights fell into the right money grubbing hands after a quick buck.

In fact, it has even inspired me to take a cue out of its book. The last month has brought a painful amount of unanticipated time consuming and financial frustrations interrupting much larger projects that I have been planning for months now. So if they can’t be bothered to even reach the barest minimum of interesting, I can’t be bothered to provide it with the minimum of Fromage Fridays feature length. 

No Shatners

Bottom Line: See review text, add an additional "fuck you." That about sums "Kite" up.