Fromage Fridays #26: Avengers Grimm

"Once Upon A Time" suddenly seems a lot less dumb.

Don't get to used to seeing these people show up often, readers. Under ordinary circumstances, Fromage Fridays has a very strict "No Asylum" policy.

There's a difference between B movies and bad movies and the low rent washed up b list celebrity production sweatshop that we have to thank for 2 "Sharknado" films crossed that line a long time ago. If they're going to put literally no effort into their films and take pride in that, why should I even bother.

The only reason “Avengers Grimm” made the cut was because they combined a number of images together that triggered my radar so hard I overlooked my protocol of looking before I leap. “Avengers” meets fairy tale characters, riding off of the “Age of Ultron” high? That’s way too good to pass up.

Had I done even an iota of research, I’d have noticed the Asylum production logo long before even picking the disk up. Unfortunately, the past is in the past and I’m still a starving artist, so I’ll be damned if I let the $3.50 I paid to rent this soon to be black hole in my memory go to waste.

Rico from “Starship Troopers” (Casper Van Dien) plays a tall, well dressed, handsome Rumpelstiltskin (*cough*Loki*cough*) who is an interdimensional conqueror currently setting his sights on New York City, for some reason. The only “warriors” that stand in his way are a Sleeping Beauty with hypnotic powers, a cryokinetic Snow White, Rapunzel, who uses her braided hair as a flail of sorts, and Red Riding Hood, who uses a bow and arrow… because, Hawkeye, I guess.

I probably made that description sound more interesting than the actual movie itself is. While it pains me to dash any hopes one may have built up over the premise, I can’t stress enough that “Avengers Grimm” is cornier than cool and more boring than corny.

Every once in a while, nuggets of gold will show up, such as a police officer that assisted the protagonists during the climax, somberly remarking about one of their deaths, “Now who will live happily ever after.” Unfortunately the failure that you’re forced to sit through to get to these moments is just too dull to justify cause.

Half assed fairy tale analogues aside, “Avengers Grimm” is an attempt at a mockbuster for a big superhero movie. In superhero movies, there are 2 areas that you absolutely cannot drop the ball on; character and action. This film stupendously fails in both territories.

I don’t know if Asylum directors are intentionally telling their actors to suck at this point but when all 4 of you protagonists can essentially be summed up as “bland mean bitches with attitude,” to describe the performances as underwhelming would be generous.

There are plenty of little personality quirks that could have been added in to these characters based on their respective fairy tales that could have made this genuinely fun but they just aren't there.

With no investment in the bizarrely convoluted yet simultaneously lazy story that unfolds, the last bastion of hope is the action, which is so weakly choreographed and poorly edited that it’s practically an eyesore to watch. I’d say that there are better effects in other modern day low budget shows like “The Flash” or “Once Upon a Time,” but I've seen season 1 episodes of “Smallville” that were on a higher technical level than this.

It’s the Asylum, so I pretty much got exactly what I expected out of “Avengers Grimm,” and what I was expecting was pretty much nothing at all.

½ Shatner

Bottom Line: The 10 minutes of decent material that "Avengers Grimm" has isn't worth the 85 minutes you must endure to reach it.